Archive of Our Own ^beta

And yet, despite all of this—it was ridiculous to think that there was ever a time without Nao. She couldn’t fathom that. Could you imagine?

This happened a long time ago, when they were still close enough to the West Coast that the cities could feel like home. She grew up by the sea and it had undeniably left an imprint in her heart. This meant she was prone to stopping, sighing, and staring out the window as the sea grew further and further away in the horizon.

They stopped for gas, as they often had to do. There was no other way of getting to New York without a car, and they burned through fuel taking turns around the major freeways. Lily grew into the habit of standing right behind Nao when he filled up the tank, always afraid to take her eyes off him. The moment he turned she’d bolt to the car and jump inside, buckling herself up before he could think of driving off.

It wasn’t like this was for nothing. He often warned her, in a way that became so ingrained in their routine it was akin to habit, that one day he would leave her. 

When she fell over and had a few of those shambling, groaning things right behind her, “Get up right now or I’m leaving you behind.”

When she spent a little too long wiping herself down with a pack of baby wipes, “Another second and I’m driving away.”

When she was complaining about having to rise with the crack of dawn and that the flesh-eating zombie horde could wait, “You take a minute longer and I’ll be gone.”

She learned to scramble after his shadow and dart for his heels at the first sign of movement. And yet, he began to slow down. A minute became a moment, and a moment stretched into a while. She still jumped whenever he turned around, but sometimes he’d tilt his head and see if she was following.

They were taking their rest at a gas station, as they often did. Lily helped Nao scout the area and clear out any stragglers, cover up all the windows with cloth, and together they leaned the seats of his car all the way back. Lily fluffed up a pillow she had insisted on carting from one of their supply runs, and Nao simply rested on his arm. 

She had begun to regain some of that courage she abandoned within the first month of traveling with him, and the supermarket incident had been behind them for long enough that she felt confident enough to lean her head closer towards him. “You know, Nao, despite everything…at least I’m with you.”

It was dark, save for slivers of moonlight that peeked through the places where the fabric didn’t quite cover the whole window. She traced a beam that illuminated a slice of his cheek. He was otherwise completely still and untouchable, and she was nearly certain he had fallen asleep before he spoke.

“You don’t mean that,” he said.

“I do,” Lily replied. “I don’t think I could, you know, make it…on my own.”

Nao said, “You’re only happy to be with someone. Anyone would do.”

“You say that like I have options,” she retorted cheerfully. “Last I checked, it’s just you and me for miles around. Everyone else is zombie chow.”

“And if there was someone else?”

She was sure that, if she could even see his face, he’d be unmoved and stone-still. Nao did not have much in the way of expressiveness. And yet, she wanted to imagine—she wanted to pretend that he could blush, that he was still capable of flushing like a boy. He was not embarrassed, but she’d tell herself that he was.

“I’d still stay with you, obviously,” Lily replied. “We’ve come all this way, haven’t we?”

He fell quiet again, and she didn’t even have the luxury of listening for his breaths when he was utterly silent down to the last inhale. She shuffled around a little, trying to get comfortable in the car seat, adjusting the jacket she was using as a blanket.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t,” he said. “But I’m not sure if you have any kind of foresight at all.”

She found that quite rude and a touch offensive, as Nao often was. “I do,” she protested. “When I told you to turn left that one time—”

He scoffed. “Pure chance isn’t foresight.”

Lily frowned but could think of nothing else to overturn his words. Her indignance she bore with remarkable grace, though she couldn’t help but to mutter, “It’s not like it matters anyways.”

“No,” Nao said, “it doesn’t. And hurry up and get some sleep. I don’t want to have to drag you up tomorrow morning again.”

“But you started the conversation,” Lily huffed, cheeks hollowed out. Even if Nao couldn’t see her expression, she made sure to glare and frown and telegraph her great and exaggerated displeasure. 

“Goodnight,” Nao said, an air of finality punctuating his curt one word sentence. Lily was about to complain about his dryness, before she realized with a start this was the first time he ever said that to her.

If this had happened months later, if she had remembered this closer to New York, she would have focused more on how he had told her himself to leave him. She didn’t remember that. All that she took from this event was his goodnight—

Good riddance.

“Tell me something about yourself,” she repeated, lifting her head to meet his eyes. “Nao, I don’t know a thing about you. I want to know how you grew up. I want to know where you went to school. I want to know if you dated, who you dated, why you broke up. I want to know the future you imagined for yourself. Please, tell me that much.”

His hand tightened in hers, and for the first time his voice took on a quiet, hesitant tone. “I…I grew up in…”

She listened to him all night without nodding off, without falling asleep. She sat with him until the clouds brushed the morning sky pink and purple. New York was just in the distance, but she’d never make it there.

She’d make sure of it.

Number one, Lily gets warned by some guy in Nevada that her sociopath boyfriend is not trustworthy. Oh my goddddd really? Yeahhhhh really. And she doesn’t care because she’s a woman and women aren’t supposed to care about sociopathic boyfriends so yeah.

Timeskip brought to you by toxic relationships~

Number two, they meet a new person who dies because Nao prioritizes Lily over a random person (what?? really?? who expected that from him?? didn’t we read the same fever arc??) but no one realizes this because it’s too subtle for PLEBIANS who read this fic. And then Lily doesn’t do anything because she’s too codependent at this point but PLEBIANS don’t get this.

(Author: What do you have to say for yourself Nao? o_0

Nao: WTF Author-san? Why am I here?

Lily: Author-sama~ >////< I’m just a weak little w

I can’t bear to write any more of this but I think you get the picture.)

Timeskip brought to you by the reading comprehension devil~

Number three, Evelyn shows up and immediately knows Nao’s a stupid sociopathic jerk because she worked in HR, which you would know if you actually read the damn book. And because she’s sooo helpful she warns Lily ahead of time that Nao is trouble. Also, this is where the illiterate mob may have been confused because Evelyn never warned Lily in the novel. This is a FANFIC. I AM TAKING CREATIVE LIBERTIES. Not everything has to be a 1-to-1 replica of the original book, my god.

Evelyn tells Lily that Nao is untrustworthy blah blah blah and Lily is like nooo he’s actually a great guy because she has STOCKHOLM SYNDROME (at this point this is literally fanon so I don’t know why people still want to argue about this) and Evelyn says that she’s always welcome to run away with her and Noah.

Oh, sorry, should I make this more exciting? And then Evelyn and Lily kiss and makeout and become a yuri couple and should I write a couple lemons of them? Yeah? Well I’m not because SOME PEOPLE can’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone. 

Timeskip brought to you by it doesn’t even matter now~

Number four, boy genius (unaffiliated with the band) Noah Yoon warns Lily right before he gets pwned. I don’t have anything against canon divergence but this fic is canon compliant so obviously I had to include the most controversial offscreen death. Honestly, this is the author’s fault. Why would you offscreen the most popular character and then not even give a flashback? Shame on you.

Oh, but you wanted a real fic, didn’t you? Noah runs away with Lily, but then gets shot by Nao. Yeah, that’s it. You wanted themes, narration, motifs? Well too fucking BAD that I apparently can’t write any of that, and even when I do no one gets it. Why? You’re all middle schoolers that can’t read anyways. Why don’t you go read a classic like last wish of a shooting star before you touch my stuff? Have some RESPECT for the fandom elders.

Timeskip brought to you by fic titles that are song lyrics~

Is this why you guys don’t like the fic? Because I couldn’t think of anything for the fifth reason? Well fuck you too. I wanted to do a 4+1 but that’s not even RECOGNIZED by AO3 so you tell me why I ended up doing the 5+1. Also those of you calling it cliche and overused just don’t understand the derivative nature of fanfiction. Obviously I would not be writing this if there was no demand for it. Did any of you take economics???

No special comment for you. Think about what you did.

Timeskip brought to you by lemons, grapefruits, and limes~

And anyways the whole point of me writing this is because we have ALL read SiaS. We ALL know what happens at the end. This is a piece meant to make you think of the dramatic irony of all the previous events because this is a canon compliant fic so no matter what happens in this one, I’m going to stick with canon. Even though everyone will warn her about Nao, she will always choose to stay by him until the very end. When she kills herself, that’s the first time she’s listening to all of them.

But let me put this in a way you might like better:

Nao was getting ready by throwing his dark ravenette hair up in a messy bun as he walked outside into the forest. Lily was waiting for him outside. 

“I’m selling my life to the zombies to pay off our karmic debt,” she said, “so you better feel remorse or else.” She held her arm out and there it was…a horde of zombies.

There, are you happy now? I’m never writing again.

Before they left Cali, Lily had settled into a temporay truce with Nao. She didn’t forget everything he did to get rid of her; while she slept, she’d dream of being alone in the supermarket with staving corpses reaching for her. The girl she once was before the world fell apart wouldn’t have thought of running right after the man who left her to die, crying and begging him to stay with her even knowing he’d leave her again in a heartbeat. But she had long since stopped being that girl the moment she plunged her scapel in the eye socket of the receptionist.

They planned they’re route on the map four days—Lily sprouted some insane lie about keeping it safe for him because he kept all those sharp weapons in his bag, and he had given her an aside glance before he passed the map to her. He knew she needed the map as collateral for him to stay, and she knew he was certain by now she’d never think of leaving him. The map was loaned to her under this uneasy truce.

“I think we just crossed the state border…” Lily mumured, eyes darting to and from across the thankfully sparse road. Nao had been particulary careful to choose the least likely to be populated, so their were few zombies shambling around besides one or two.

Nao didn’t talk, focused on the road. She grown use to silence and lost the nerve to chat, so she stared out the passenger window—only to catch a glimpse of buildings. Her silent driver slowed down, surveying the area. 

He then parallel parked very well and hopped out. Lily quickly unbuckle herself and chased him, stumbling in the shadow of his footsteps before crashing into his back. Surprised, she poked her head out from his side and found herself face to face with a shotgun barrel.

“Nice of you Californians to stop by,” drawed the man who held the shotgun, “but I’m not taking houseguests right now.” “With that run-down house of yours, no wonder,” Nao said. Lily yanked his arm so hard he broke his rigid, stoic pose to glare at her for a moment. 

Ignoring the annoyance he protected, she hissed, “He’s got a gun!”

The man snorts, angling his gun towards her for a heart-stopping moment. “You better listen to you’re girlfriend here. I’m not too good at telling apart coyotes and humans.”

“Do you think you scare me? Get me some gas and I’ll be out of here.”

“What he means to say,” Lily interjected, voice rising in pitch as she clutched Nao’s arm and nervously looked between the man and his gun, “is that we’ll trade! We’ll trade for some gas! And then we’ll be out of here!”

Nao didn’t make a smart comment which meant he agreed. The man didn’t shoot, which also meant he was in assent. Lily added, “We have some antibiotics from Wallgreens…” “Eh, why the hell not. Go grab that while I look around for a tank or two. I can spare a little if you get me something for infections and pain.”

“Yes, sir!” Lily all but hauled Nao back to the car with her, popping the trunk open as she sorted through they’re cache. Amocillin for certain, tylenol for the pain, and a box of cold medicine that wasn’t the most affective—but he didn’t need to know. Nao crossed his arms and watched her disapprovingly.

Lily ran back with her armful of medication, placing each into the man’s open hands as she explained each one. “And remember, you have to finish the full course of—”

“Yes, yes, I’ve been to the doctors,” the man said dismissively, pointing at the tank of gasoline. “You need help getting that up they’re?”

Lily looked between the gasoline and Nao, who was still watching her while leaning against the car with his arms crossed. “I got it,” she assured him. “And…thank you, for not shooting us.”

“Never occurred to me,” the man said. “Would give me more work anyways. Listen, I don’t usually butt in on the personal lives of other people but my conscience would sting a hole lot if I didn’t say anything. You be careful of that man of yours, ok? People like him, they don’t settle down for nobody.”

Across a stretch of grass was Nao, still watching. Mountains of rocks rose into the sky above him The wind was starting to pick up, a pleasant balm for cheeks beginning to warm. It wasn’t a lovely flush, but rather the mottled pink of embarrassment. 

She hated being seen through. It made her feel stupid, indebted to someone younger. 

She hated that these words wouldn’t even leave a dent on her. She couldn’t leave him because where else would that leave her? Alone in a world full of zombies, too scared to do anything on her own—he was a sociopath but he moved with such purpose it almost felt like she had one too.

“Thank you,” she told him, but both of them knew his words went in one ear and out the other. 

“You stay safe, yeah?” he said, waving slightly. He watched her walk back to the car, carrying the gasoline with her. He stared as Nao ungratfully took the gas, filled up his car, and put the tank in the trunk. And he watched as Lily scrambled into the passenger side, buckled up, all as he turned into a small speck in the distance.

She didn’t tell Nao this like she would have a week ago, but this was her first time in Nevada.

“Wow!” Lily gasped, darting forward. “Is that Salt Lake city? That lake is massive! You could fit, like, a hundred stow lakes in their!”

“Are you trying to trip and die?” nao hissed, grabbing her jacket by the collar. She wheeld her arms as she stumbled backwards. With the sort of manner that didnt befit the treatment of a lady, Nao steadied her by the shoulders and kept a firm grip. From beside them, Jackie chuckled. 

“That’s just Utah lake, love—the Great Salt lake is a little above, but it’s best we stay away for now. I’m afraid to say all the tourist destinations are likely to be overrun at this point…” Nao added, “And quit shouting all the time, unless you want the rest of the tourists to join us.”

“Yes, yes” Lily agreed to both, dutifully obedient. “Yes, Nao. Yes, Jackie. This humble one will listen to you both…” Nao pinched his eyebrows in the same expression that showed how he found her most annoying and Jackie smiled good natured. They’re tour guide had found them most fortunatly—Nao was fighting off a zombie, she was hitting it over the head with a baseball bat. Jackie ran onto the scene, tackled it, grabbed Lily’s bat, beat it’s head in, and then turned and introduced herself. As far as Lily was concerned, she was now indispensable to there team.

They stopped for supplies, as they often had to do when they spent most of their time driving around. One of these days they’d run out of luck siphoning gas from abandoned cars, but they’re luck hadn’t run dry yet and Jackie was the best mechanic still alive. Even Nao would begrudgingly seek her out to learn a little more every night, prideful as he was.

Together, they crept into a nearby pharmacy to see if their was still anything left. These days, not so much. But there lucky finds once in a while was still worth it’s weight in gold, especially since Nao had fed her half the ibuprofen during her period because, and this she was quoting, the whining was grating on his nerves.

Was she imagining it, or did he somehow seem a little more…lenient towards her? More forgiving, more accepting? She had even been protesting against taking there precious few painkillers—he practically shoved them in her mouth and poured the water for her, and if she hadn’t swallowed he might’ve started rubbing her throat like a stubborn cat.

So maybe he hadn’t learned to be gentle, but wasn’t it a little bit of a start?

Lily, so caught up in her thoughts, hadn’t noticed the zombies until Nao stuck his arm out and stopped her. “Their ambling around the corner,” he whispered, so quiet she had to practically press herself into him to hear. 

Jackie jerked her head in its direction. “I can handle it,” she said. “You two know more about medicine than me, so get behind the counter and take everything we need.” She waited for a moment, and when their were no objections she took the bat Lily gifted her and crept over, ready to swing.

Together with Nao, Lily shuffled behind the counter and began flipping through the prescriptions as fast as she could. It was all menial things like blood thinners and statins, things that weren’t exactly a priority. She pocketed someone’s ibuprofen when their was a crash, and she whipped her head around to see Jackie fending off twice the zombies she thought they’re were. 

Through the broken window, countless more were pouring in. “Jackie!” she screamed, dropping the bag in her hands as she scrambled to get over their—only to have Nao grab her arm. 

“Are you crazy?” he hissed. “You don’t even have a weapon on you!” 

Jackie swung again. “Get out of here!” she shouted across the hands that grabbed for her mouth. “I’ll be fine—this is nothing!”

It was a flurry of footsteps as Nao hauled her out the backdoor. Lily snached up a fire extinguisher from the next building over and she ran back to the pharmacy with her breath held tight. She saw a pile of corpses, Jackie leaning on the baseball bat as she stood a little off to the side.

“You really did it!” Lily exclaimed, tossing the fire extinguisher aside. “Jackie, you’re—”

The mechanic raised her hand, palm facing Lily. “Don’t come here,” she said calmly. “Look at my arm.”

Lily’s eyes fell down to a bite mark, oozing blood and pulsing. Her veins were already turning dark.

“I don’t have long,” Jackie said quietly, “so listen to me. I’m so happy I got to meet you, Lily. You’re awfully kind, but they’re are people in the world that’ll take advantage of that.” She promised, for a moment, Jackie’s eyes darted to meet Nao’s behind her. “Never let anyone take advantage of that.”

“I-i won’t!” Lily insisted, heart lurching.

“Good,” Jackie said. “Good,” she repeated, her lips almost stretching into a smile before it dropped as her limbs twitched and shook, eyes rolling up into her head—

Before she knew it, Nao had already sauntered over and bashed her head in with the fire extinguisher. Lily staggered over, looking down at a corpse bleeding black who had only a moment ago been talking to her.

Nao stood beside her for a moment, before he turned. “Let’s go,” he said. Lily could only spare a last glance at Jackie, before she turned in his direction and chased his footsteps.

“Lily, why don’t you scavenge with me?” Evelyn ushed her closer, pointing with her hand. Even in the apocalypse she smelled like something breezy and fruity, and coconut and mango wafted towards her against all odds. Nao always smelled like rubbing alcohol even though they had run out—or maybe he had a secret store he kept on hand. Either way, she couldn’t help but to lean closer.

Someone’s arm wrapped across her shoulders, pulling her back. She peered up to see Nao’s eyes trained on Evelyn, narrow and furrowed. 

“Hey, no need to lay claim to you’re territory,” Evelyn commented offhandedly, easygoing as usual. “I was just hoping we go could get some feminine products. You know, between us girls?”

Nao scoffed. “Their’s no such thing as gender difference in the apocalypse.”

“Well, Mr. med student, I think you just lack a sensitive heart,” Evelyn added, tapping on her cheek with a innocent look to the side. “modesty is a big part of cultures like us.”

Noah, who had been tinkling around with his invention, pipped up from the side without sparing a glance. “Hey, muscle-brain, I need some more wiring if you’re so busy.”

“Ah, what a shame that the only place you can actually source circuits is…oh…on the other side of the town.” Evelyn rose to her feet, smiling as she walked over to set a hand on Lily’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her.”

Lily looked up again just as Nao looked down.

“If anything happens—” he began, but Noah cut him off. “You will leave us behind like you did with Lily? Yeah, good luck.” Nao brisled. “That was—”

“Okay, okay, let’s just agree to split up today and we’ll reconvene in two hours. Okay? Great! Nao, you go grab whatever Noah needs. Noah, keep an eye on base. And Lily—we’ve got a girl’s night!”

Before he left, Nao had grabbed her hand. “Don’t do something reckless,” he said, and then he was gone. Evelyn already had grabbed her arm, all tropical and sunny as she pulled her down the street together. 

When they were a good distance away from camp, when they had found a corner store to sneak into and ransack, when they were side to side perusing what few tampons and pads remained, Evelyn spoke up. “To tell you the truth, lily, this wasn’t really a girl’s night.”

“I kind of figured it out,” Lily replied, picking up a dusty thing of wingless pads. She put it back after a moment of deliberation. 

“You should really be careful with Nao,” Evelyn continued, shuffling through more tampons without applicators. It really was the worst of the lot they had to pick from. “Noah thinks so too, but their’s not a good chance to say this when he’s hovering over you the whole time.”

“He’s just protective,” Lily protested.

“Excessively so.”

“We’re in dangerous circumstances…”

“Don’t you think its strange?” Evelyn pressed on. “Remember, you told us yourself the first thing he did was leave you behind.”

Of course she remembered. Of course she couldn’t forget. “Well, its a bit of a formative memory, but people change and—”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that he’s changed,” Evelyn continued, “but into what? I don’t think you understand the way he looks at us. I care about you, Lily, I do, but I can’t spend every night worried he’ll kill me off just because he thinks we’re dangerous to you.”

Lily’s hand dropped to her side. “Are you…going to leave?”

There silence hovered, thick and palpable, for a moment. “No,” Evelyn finally said, “not now. We’re too far from New York, and Noah and I don’t know the first thing about first aid. But I know people, and I know someone like Nao is just waiting for us to run out of use.”

Lily’s hand, now, traveled up her arm. Her fingernails dug into the flesh, prodding deep into her skin as it dug crescents. “He’s…he’s not like that. He just needs to warm up to you guys. I don’t…”

“He did for you,” Evelyn gently told her. “I doubt he’s got room for another charity case in his heart. We care about you, Lily, I wouldn’t lie about that. I just wanted to let you know now ahead of time. You’ll always have a place with me and Noah, okay?”

Blood rushed to her ears. She couldn’t keep her thoughts straight on her head, couldn’t spare a single glance to the pads and tampons she came here for. Evelyn watched her carefully, warm brown eyes peering into hers. 

She swallowed. “Okay,” she said. “I got it.” “Good.” Evelyn smiled. “That’s good.” For a moment, Lily was struck by deja vu, but it was over just like that. “Now let’s find something to bring back before Nao gets all huffy about you being missing.”

They ran through the forest, footsteps trampling over foliage and sticks. Noah’s hand was warm in hers. She felt strange—unsteady, uncertain. But even as she wavered Noah remained steadfast, pulling her along his path as he ducked between the trees.

Evelyn. She wasn’t they’re. Last she remembered Evelyn was holding her hand, and she was pulling and pulling, trying to get her back over the ledge as she dangled above a horde of zombies, and her foothold was slipping as she was being pulled over the side but Lily would have rather died than let go—

They’re was a gunshot She didn’t remember much after, only that Nao had pulled her back onto the rooftop, arms wrapped tight around her waist as someone screamed, as a body hit the ground, as countless decayed arms reached for a singular target. 

Noah tugged her along, his words spilling from his mouth. “Northwest, northwest,” he repeated, “from our position we’ll run northwest—”

“Noah,” Lily gasped, “I can’t keep—” “Keep running!” he shouted back, and for a second she saw a flash of his eyes—dark, hurried, frantic. “I knew we should’ve left earlier! Who would’ve thought that bastard would’ve—”

He cursed under his breath. That slow, quiet, unreasonable piece of her that still retained memories of the world before wanted to chastise him for being too young to curse, but she couldn’t get her mouth around the admonishment. Her mouth was too dry for words, too dry to speak. 

“Someone like him you can’t trust,” Noah was saying, words coming in pants and gasps as he still ran even as he staggered and tilted from exhaustion. “What’s his deal? How can he care so little? Evelyn was nothing but nice, and yet—”

Something lodged in her throat.

“And yet—” Noah continued, voice cracking. For a moment he slowed, almost as if he was trying to gather his thoughts, but then their was the sound of thunder and he pitched forward, collapsing onto the ground as Lily fell with him. She tumbled atop him, scrambling to pick herself up.

“Noah? Noah!” She shook him, only to gasp and fall backwards when her hands came away with blood. He remained unmoving, eyes wide open and staring right at the dirt. She crawled backwards, shoulders shaking, until she backed into a pair of legs.

He reached out, pulled her up by the arms with surprising gentleness. “Are you hurt?” he asked, voice gruff but not completely without emotion. She shook a little, eyes darting between him and Noah facedown in the dirt. 

“Noah, he—” “You’ve got dirt all over you,” he said disapprovingly, picking up her hand and dusting off her palms. “Be more careful next time. We don’t have anything for tetanus right now.” “N-Nao, Noah’s—”

“Save youre breath for now,” he continued, ignoring her. “Or do I need to carry you, since you ran so much?” His arm was around her shoulder. Her breath hitched, as it did by habit when she was with Nao. He held her, these days, with the sort of tenderness she could almost mistake for love. But it was ridiculous to think of them that way, even if he had nursed her back to health and patched up all her injuries, even if he had spent countless nights watching over her as she slept, because in the end she was that girl he left behind and she needed him to stay.

Evelyn, Noah. They weren’t here now. It was just Nao, and if he turned away she wouldn’t be lost.

Maybe it was wrong. Maybe it was the worst thing she could have done. Even so, she let him take her by the hand and let him lead her out of the forest, into the city, back to they’re new base where he made her dinner and tucked her in.

At night she couldn’t sleep, and she stayed up til sunrise with her eyes fixed at some point in the cieling, unthinking & unblinking.

And yet, despite all—it was silly to think that they’re was a time without Nao. She couldn’t fathom it. Couldn’t you imagine?

Why did she want to go to New York so bad in the first place? What moved her limbs when Nao wasn’t their to drag her along the road, picking up supplies and buckling her seatbelt in the car for her?

that’s right. At the beginning of the apocalypse, back in the hospital, the residents had fought to the last sparks of ther lives just so she could make it. Even when separated from them, they gave something to look forward to. We’ll find you in New York, they said, where the military base is. Find us in New York.

Did it always have to be Nao? She had ingrained herself into his life—she couldn’t deny it now. She hadn’t moved a muscle for there sake in days, but he was still going through the motions and procuring everything she could need, pushing rations in her mouth and watching over her during the night. He could’ve left at any time, but he didn’t.

She could’ve left at any time, but she didn’t.

They stayed with her, each person who had in earnest spoke from the heart. In Nevada, she brushed him off. In Utah, she forgot about her. Evelyn, who slipped from her fingers—Noah, who fell before her. 

Nao, who promised her long before they left California that she didn’t mean a thing. But across they’re tour of the states he cared for her when she was sick from a fever, tended to all the wounds she gathered across the seasons, carried her on his back.

Each death she wore on the inside of her sleeve. When they got to New York, what could she even say? This is all that I gave up to get here. Will you forgive me?

They settled in for the night. Nao, as usual, combed through her hair and wiped her cheek with a damp cloth. He cared for her in that stiffly and clinically. In another world, where he moved onto residency, he could be thedarling of the department. His professionalism was wasted on her, as she breathed in and lifted her head, for once meeting his eyes.

“What are you going to do first when we get to New York?” she asked, with a horse voice that quiet for the last stretch of their journey. Her words cracked under the strain of speaking. Nao, eyes wide, leaned in closer as if to catch every last crack.

There foreheads nearly touche. “I—we’ll have to get something to eat,” he said. “You need iron supplements. And Iodine.”

Was it wrong that she could still smile at him? “You really do sound like a doctor.”

He held onto her hand tight, fingers wound around hers.“I would’ve been.”

She wanted to ask, all of a sudden, why her. Why her of all people. They crossed paths with men and women stronger, smarter, more beautiful and more talented, and yet the only one who remained at his side was her. But when the words touched her tounge, she held it tight in her mouth and clamped her lips. 

For once, she didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to be curious, and she felt light and at peace. She could accept this much, and she could accept knowing only this much, and she could accept leaving things here

She leaned forward, touching her forehead to the back of his palm. “I can’t sleep,” she said. “Could you tell me something?”

Before Evelyn and Noah had become a semi-permanent fixture in their travels, she had rounded out they’re nights camping out with stories from her past. He knew everything about her, and she knew next to nothing about him.

She knew what she was going to do tomorrow. They’re was only thing left in her repertoire, even being powerless, to get back at hime. She was scared—but more than that, she was burdened with responsibility. 

Nao could never feel remorse for someone else’s behalf But she could and she was the only one who could make him sorry.

She would get their revenge tomorrow, but tonight, she wanted to love him.

“Tell me something about yourself,” she repeated, lifting her head to meet his eyes. “Nao, I don’t know a thing about you. I want to know how you grew up. I want to know where you went to school. I want to know if you dated, who you dated, why you broke up. I want to know the future you imagined for yourself. Please, tell me that much.”

His hand tightened in hers, and for the first time his voice took on a quiet, hesitant tone. “I…I grew up in…”

She listened to him all night without nodding off, without falling asleep. She sat with him until the clouds brushed the morning sky pink and purple. New York was just in the distance, but she’d never make it they’re.

She’d make sure

Before they left California, Lily had already settled into a tentative truce with Nao. She hadn’t forgotten the various things he had done in an attempt to be rid of her; sometimes, while she slept, she dreamt of being alone in the supermarket with starving corpses reaching for her. The girl that she once was before the world fell apart wouldn’t have thought of running right after the man who left her to die, crying and begging him to stay with her anyways even knowing he’d leave her again in a heartbeat. But, then again, she had long since ceased to be that girl the moment she plunged her scalpel in the eye socket of the receptionist.

They had been planning their route on the map for days—Lily spouted some inane lie about keeping it safe for him since he kept all those sharp weapons in his bag, and he had given her an aside glance before he passed the map to her. He knew she needed the map as collateral for him to stay, and she knew he was certain by now she’d never think of leaving him. The map was loaned to her under this uneasy truce.

“I think we’re in Nevada now,” Lily murmured, eyes darting to and fro across the thankfully sparse road. Nao had been particularly careful to select the one least likely to be populated, and his efforts meant there were few undead to be found shambling around besides the one or two that had somehow made it this far.

Nao didn’t speak, eyes focused on the road. She had since grown used to his silence and lost the nerve to fill it up with chatter, so she fixed her gaze out the passenger window—only to catch a glimpse of buildings. Her silent driver slowed down, surveying the area just as she was. 

He then parallel parked admirably well and stepped out of the driver’s side. Lily scrambled to unbuckle herself and chase after him, stumbling in the shadow of his footsteps before crashing into his back. Surprised, she poked her head out from his side and found herself face to face with a shotgun barrel.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” drawled the man who held the shotgun.

“Hi,” Nao said. “Do you have any gas?” Lily yanked his arm so hard he broke his rigid, stoic pose to glare at her for a moment. 

Ignoring the annoyance he projected, she hissed, “Don’t be rude!”

The man snorted, angling his gun towards her for a heart-stopping moment. “You wanna run that by me again? Do I look like a gas station?”

“Yeah,” Nao said, “you do.”

“What he means,” Lily quickly interjected, voice rising in pitch as she clutched onto Nao’s arm and nervously looked between the man and his gun, “is that you look like a person! Who could maybe be so inclined as to help us…”

Nao didn’t make a smart comment which meant he was in assent. The man didn’t shoot, which also meant he was in assent. Lily added, “And I can give you some drugs or something…”

“Oh shit, really? Give me some.”

“Yeah, just a second.” Lily all but hauled Nao back to the car with her, popping the trunk open as she sorted through their cache. Amoxicillin for certain, tylenol for the pain, and a box of cold medicine that wasn’t exactly the most effective—but he didn’t need to know that. Nao crossed his arms and watched her disapprovingly.

Lily ran back with her armful of medication, placing each into the man’s open hands as she recounted the uses of each. “But don’t take too many, because—”

“You meant prescription drugs? Fine, whatever,” the man said dismissively, gesturing at the tank of gasoline. “I guess you can have that. I’ve got paint to huff anyways.”

Lily looked between the gasoline and Nao, who was still watching her while leaning against the car with his arms crossed. “Well I’m just going to use it as fuel,” she assured him. “Not…recreationally.”

“A bit of a waste,” the man said. “Maybe you could save some if you change your mind. But keep that to yourself. That guy you’re with doesn’t seem like a sharer, if you catch my drift.”

Across a stretch of grass was Nao, still watching. Mountains of rock rose into the sky above him. The wind was starting to pick up, a pleasant balm for cheeks beginning to warm. It wasn’t a lovely flush, but rather the mottled pink of embarrassment. 

She hated being seen through like this. It made her feel more like this foolish new self of hers, beholden to someone one year her junior. 

She hated that these words wouldn’t even leave a dent on her. She couldn’t leave him because where else would that leave her? Alone in a world full of zombies, too scared to do anything on her own—he was a sociopath but he moved with such purpose it almost felt like she had one too.

“Sure, I’ll keep a stash,” she told him, but the both of them knew his words had gone in one ear and out the other. 

“You stay safe, alright?” he told her, giving her a slight wave. He watched her walk all the way back to the car, lugging the gasoline with her. He watched as Nao ungratefully took the gas from her, filled up his car, and stored the tank in the trunk. And he watched as Lily scrambled into the passenger side, buckled up, all as he turned into a small speck in the distance.

She didn’t tell Nao this like she would have a week ago, but this was her first time in Nevada.

“Whoa,” Lily gasped, darting forward. “Is that Salt Lake City? Next to the Salt Lake?”

“No, dumbass, not every lake in Utah is the Salt Lake,” Nao hissed, grabbing her jacket by the collar. She pinwheeled her arms as she stumbled backwards. With the sort of manner that didnt befit the treatment of a lady, Nao steadied her by the shoulders and kept a firm grip. From beside them, Jackie chuckled. 

“You’re both stupid, it’s called the Great Salt Lake.”

Nao added, “That’s more stupid. Who’s naming these lakes?”

“Ladies, ladies, you’re both beautiful,” Lily acceded to both, the image of dutiful obedience. “I’ve got enough of me to go around…” Nao pinched his eyebrows in the same expression that showed how he found her most annoying and Jackie smiled good naturedly. Their tour guide had found them most fortuitously—Nao was fighting off a zombie and she was desperately beating it over the head with a baseball bat. Jackie ran onto the scene, tackled the thing, grabbed Lily’s bat, beat its head in, and then turned and introduced herself. As far as Lily was concerned, she was now indispensable to their team.

They stopped for supplies, as they often had to do when they spent most of their time driving around. One of these days they’d run out of luck siphoning gas from abandoned cars, but their luck hadn’t run dry yet and Jackie was the best mechanic still alive. Even Nao would begrudgingly seek her out to learn a little more every night, prideful as he was.

Together, they crept into a nearby pharmacy to see if there was still anything left. These days, not so much. But once in a while, their lucky finds were still worth its weight in gold, especially since Nao had fed her half the ibuprofen during her period because, and this she was quoting, the whining was grating on his nerves.

Was she imagining it, or did he somehow seem a little more…lenient towards her? More forgiving, more accepting? She had even been protesting against taking their precious few painkillers—he practically shoved them in her mouth and poured the water for her, and if she hadn’t swallowed he might’ve started rubbing her throat like a stubborn cat.

So maybe he hadn’t learned to be gentle, but wasn’t it a little bit of a start?

Lily, so caught up in her thoughts, hadn’t noticed the zombies until Nao stuck his arm out and stopped her. “You can keep going if you want to be eaten,” he whispered, so quiet she had to practically press herself into him to hear. 

Jackie jerked her head in its direction. “That’s easy for someone like me to take care of,” she said. “You guys can keep looting like a bunch of cowards.” She waited for a moment, and when there were no objections she took the bat Lily gifted her and crept over, ready to swing.

Together with Nao, Lily shuffled behind the counter and began flipping through the prescriptions as fast as she could. It was all menial things like blood thinners and statins, things that weren’t exactly a priority. She pocketed someone’s ibuprofen when there was a crash, and she whipped her head around to see Jackie fending off twice the zombies she thought there were. 

Through the broken window, countless more were pouring in. “Jackie!” she screamed, dropping the bag in her hands as she scrambled to get over there—only to have Nao grab her arm. 

“You’re sticking your neck out for the wrong person!” he hissed. “What has Utah ever done for you?” 

Jackie swung again. “What has California done for me?” she shouted across the hands that grabbed for her mouth. “You’re martyring the wrong person!”

It was a flurry of footsteps as Nao hauled her out the backdoor. Lily snatched up a fire extinguisher from the next building over and she ran back to the pharmacy with her breath held tight. She saw a pile of corpses, Jackie leaning on the baseball bat as she stood a little off to the side.

“Oh, so I didn’t need to come back after all!” Lily exclaimed, tossing the fire extinguisher aside. “See, you have it all under—”

The mechanic raised her hand, palm facing Lily. “If that’s what you think,” she said calmly. “But I think you’re missing the point.”

Lily’s eyes trailed down to a bite mark, pulsing as it oozed blood. Her veins were already turning dark.

“All you care about is yourself,” Jackie continued quietly, “and it’s not really your fault. But you have to admit, it was selfish of you to just leave me like that. But I guess you’re only a product of your environment.” She swore, for a moment, Jackie’s eyes darted to meet Nao’s behind her. “Someone led you astray.”

“That’s not true!” Lily insisted, even as her heart lurched.

“Sure,” Jackie said. “Sure,” she repeated, her lips almost stretching into a smile before it dropped as her limbs spasmed and twitched, her eyes rolling up into her head—

Before she knew it, Nao had already marched over and bashed her head in with the fire extinguisher. Lily staggered over, looking down at a corpse bleeding black who had only a moment ago been talking to her.

Nao stood beside her for a moment, before he turned. “I’ve had enough of this state,” he said. Lily could only spare a last glance at Jackie, before she turned in his direction and chased his footsteps.

“Lily, girl, come here.” Evelyn ushered her closer, beckoning with her hand. Even in the apocalypse she smelled like something tropical and summery, and coconut and mango wafted towards her against all odds. Nao somehow always smelled like antiseptic even though they had run out—or maybe he had a secret store he kept on hand. Either way, she couldn’t help but to lean closer.

Someone’s arm wrapped across her shoulders, pulling her back. She peered up to see Nao’s eyes trained on Evelyn, narrow and furrowed. 

“Okay, first of all, get your man out of my face,” Evelyn commented offhandedly, easygoing as usual. “And no, I’m still not interested in a threesome.”

Nao scoffed. “That’s what they all say. But you’ll change your mind.”

“Um, no. Yeah, no, really,” Evelyn added, tapping on her cheek with a deliberately innocent look to the side. “I kind of have enough self respect to say no.”

Noah, who had been tinkering around with one of his inventions, piped up from the side without sparing them a glance. “Don’t do it around me.”

“Obviously we’re not even going to do it in the first place.” Evelyn rose to her feet, smiling as she walked over to set a hand on Lily’s shoulder. “We need to talk—without your boyfriend.”

Lily looked up again, just as Nao looked down.

“I do everything with Lily—” he began, but Noah with his ever-sharp tongue cut him off.

“You should honestly get a hobby that’s not following her around.”

Nao bristled. “Yeah, but we’re—”

“You’re like the annoying high school couple that can’t separate from each other! So do me a favor and go get something manly done like chopping down firewood or whatever your ancestors did before they started getting into situationships. Lily and I are going on a girl’s walk, no homoerotic tension whatsoever.”

Before he left, Nao had grabbed her hand. “Make sure you ask her if she’s actually bisexual,” he said, and then he was gone. Evelyn already had grabbed her arm, all tropical and sunny as she pulled her down the street together. 

When they were a good distance away from camp, when they had found a corner store to sneak into and ransack, when they were side to side perusing what few tampons and pads remained, Evelyn spoke up. “I know he asked you to ask if I’m bisexual. To be honest, I’m still questioning, thinking things through…lots of self discovery, okay? But even if I was, like, you know…I do not want to sleep with your boyfriend.”

“It’s not like I want to either…” Lily replied, picking up a dusty thing of wingless pads. She put it back after a moment of deliberation. 

“He seems kind of sleazy,” Evelyn continued, shuffling through more tampons without applicators. It really was the worst of the lot they had to pick from. “Also, I think threesomes are literally just an excuse to cheat.”

“It depends on how you do it,” Lily protested.

“Yeah, but then he’d find a dude instead of a girl.”

“You know how guys are about other guys…”

“What, so girls can’t be?” Evelyn pressed on. “Don’t forget that this all comes from a heternormative, male-centered perspective of fetishizing lesbians.”

Of course she remembered. Of course she couldn’t forget. “I know, I minored in gender studies, but—”

“Oh yeah? I majored in it,” Evelyn continued, “so of course I know more than you do! And when I’m telling you that your boyfriend is honestly the most selfish, self-centered, egotistical man still alive in the apocalypse…”

Lily’s hand dropped to her side. “Are you telling me I should break up with him?”

Their silence hovered, thick and palpable, for a moment. “Well, not exactly,” Evelyn finally said, “since the man market is kind of ravaged and empty right now, and he’s kind of cute, so…”

Lily’s hand, now, traveled up her arm. Her fingernails dug into the flesh, prodding deep into her skin as it dug crescents. “Yeah, he’s cute… Does that mean you like him, or…”

“No girl, I don’t like Asians,” Evelyn gently told her. “I didn’t say this in front of him because I didn’t think he could take it, but I like white guys. Sorry. But I really mean it when I say he’s not exactly a ten-out-of-ten top tier provider male, you know?”

Blood rushed to her ears. She couldn’t keep her thoughts straight on her head, couldn’t spare a single glance to the pads and tampons she came here for. Evelyn watched her carefully, warm brown eyes peering into hers. 

She swallowed. “Yeah,” she said. “That makes sense. I’ll think about it.”

“Yeah, you should.” Evelyn smiled. “Okay, enough of this threesome thing.” For a moment, Lily was struck by deja vu, but it was over just like that. “Maybe if we’re lucky, we can still find a pack of Always Flexfoam!”

They ran through the forest, footsteps trampling over foliage and sticks. Noah’s hand was warm in hers. She felt strange—unsteady, uncertain. But even as she wavered Noah remained steadfast, pulling her along his path as he ducked between the trees.

Evelyn. She wasn’t there. Last she remembered Evelyn was holding her hand, and she was pulling and pulling, trying to get her back over the ledge as she dangled above a horde of zombies, and her foothold was slipping as she was being pulled over the side but Lily would have rather died than let go—

There was a gunshot. She didn’t remember much after, only that Nao had pulled her back onto the rooftop, arms wrapped tight around her waist as someone screamed, as a body hit the ground, as countless decayed arms reached for a singular target. 

Noah tugged her along, his words spilling from his mouth. “He’s fucking crazy,” he repeated, “and I’m telling you, we should’ve ditched him earlier—”

“Don’t say that,” Lily gasped, “He’s just misunderstood—”

“You can’t fix him!” he shouted back, and for a second she saw a flash of his eyes—dark, hurried, frantic. “There’s something deeply wrong with him, okay? He’s a total fucking red flag!”

He cursed under his breath. That slow, quiet, unreasonable piece of her that still retained memories of the world before wanted to chastise him for being too young to curse, but she couldn’t get her mouth around the admonishment. Her mouth was too dry for words, too dry to speak. 

“And I know you’re like soulmates or whatever, but this is too much,” Noah was saying, words coming in pants and gasps as he still ran even as he staggered and tilted from exhaustion. “Just because Evelyn had a preference for white guys—”

Something lodged in her throat.

“And she’s allowed to have preferences—” Noah continued, voice cracking. For a moment he slowed, almost as if he was trying to gather his thoughts, but then there was the sound of thunder and he pitched forward, collapsing onto the ground as Lily fell with him. She tumbled atop him, scrambling to pick herself up.

“Hey, get up! You didn’t finish your sentence!” She shook him, only to gasp and fall backwards when her hands came away with blood. He remained unmoving, eyes wide open and staring right at the dirt. She crawled backwards, shoulders shaking, until she backed into a pair of legs.

He reached out, pulled her up by the arms with surprising gentleness. “Was he telling you that bullshit about preferences?” he asked, voice gruff but not completely without emotion. She shook a little, eyes darting between him and Noah facedown in the dirt. 

“I-I don’t think he’s wrong for—”

“That’s narrow-minded thinking,” he said disapprovingly, picking up her hand and dusting off her palms. “I thought better of you, Lily. But it’s okay. We’ll just find more open-minded people to travel with.”

“But they—”

“They have to accept us,” he continued, ignoring her. “They have to accept us for who we are. No more of this colonialism and Eurocentrism, being shunned by women for the things we desire. I have our best interests at heart, Lily. You trust me, don’t you?” His arm was around her shoulder. Her breath hitched, as it did by habit when she was with Nao. He held her, these days, with the sort of tenderness she could almost mistake for love. But it was ridiculous to think of them that way, even if he had nursed her back to health and patched up all her injuries, even if he had spent countless nights watching over her as she slept, because in the end she was that girl he left behind and she needed him to stay.

Evelyn, Noah. They weren’t here now. It was just Nao, and if he turned away she wouldn’t know what to do.

Maybe it was the wrong decision. Maybe it was the worst thing she could have done. Even so, she let him take her by the hand and let him lead her out of the forest, into the city, back to their new base where he made her dinner and tucked her in.

At night she couldn’t sleep, and she stayed up until sunrise with her eyes fixed at some point in the ceiling, unthinking and unblinking.

And yet, despite all of this—it was ridiculous to think that there was ever a time without Nao. She couldn’t fathom that. Could you imagine?

Why did she want to go to New York so bad in the first place? What moved her limbs when Nao wasn’t there to drag her along the road, picking up supplies and buckling her seatbelt in the car for her?

Oh, that’s right. At the very, very beginning of the apocalypse, back in the hospital, the residents had fought to the last few sparks of her lives just to guarantee she could make it. Even when she had been separated from them, they had given her something to look forward to. We’ll find you in New York, they said, where the military base is. Find us in New York.

Did it always have to be Nao? She had ingrained herself into his life—she couldn’t deny it now. She hadn’t moved a muscle for their sake in days, but he was still going through the motions and procuring everything she could need, pushing rations in her mouth and watching over her during the night. He could’ve left at any time, but he didn’t.

She could’ve left at any time, but she didn’t.

They stayed with her, each person who had in earnest spoke from the heart. In Nevada, she brushed him off. In Utah, she forgot about her. Evelyn, who slipped from her fingers—Noah, who fell before her. 

Nao, who promised her long before they left California that she didn’t mean a thing to him. Only across their tour of the states he cared for her when she was delirious from a fever, tended to all the wounds she accumulated across the months, carried her on his back when he had to.

Each death, she wore it on the inside of her sleeve. This was no way to live. This was no way to hold on. When they got to New York, what could she even say? This is all that I gave up to get here. Will you forgive me?

They settled in for the night. Nao, as usual, combed through her hair and wiped her cheek with a damp cloth. He cared for her in that stiff, clinical method he had no doubt tempered through medical school. In another world, where he moved onto residency, he’d have been the darling of the department. His professionalism was wasted on her, as she breathed in and lifted her head, for once meeting his eyes.

“What do you want to eat the most right now?” she asked him, with a hoarse voice that had been quiet for the last stretch of their journey. Her words crackled under the strain of speaking. Nao, eyes wide, leaned in closer as if to catch every last crack.

Their foreheads nearly touched. “Fuck, I don’t know. Maybe a burger,” he said. “Burger King. In n Out. McDonalds, even. Some real American food.”

Was it wrong that she could still smile at him? “I mean, if we can find a cow around…”

He held onto her hand tightly, fingers wound around hers. “Let’s go find one.”

She wanted to ask, all of a sudden, why her. Why her of all people. They crossed paths with men and women stronger than her, smarter than her, more beautiful and more talented, and yet the only one who remained at his side was her. But when the words touched her tongue, she held it tight in her mouth and clamped her lips down. 

For once, Lily didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to be curious. She was in a state of suspended animation, and for once she felt light and at peace. She could accept this much, and she could accept knowing only this much, and she could accept leaving things at this point.

She leaned forward, touching her forehead to the back of his palm. “I miss my cellphone,” she said. “I miss scrolling through TikTok. Did you ever have one?”

Before Evelyn and Noah had become a semi-permanent fixture in their travels, she had rounded out their nights camping out with stories plucked from her past. He knew everything about her, and she knew next to nothing about him.

She knew what she was going to do tomorrow. There was only thing left in her repertoire, powerless as she was, to get back at him for the sake of everyone who he had died to keep her at his side. She was scared—but more than that, she was burdened with responsibility. 

Nao could never feel remorse for someone else’s behalf. But she could, and she was the only one who could pry remorse from him.

She would get their revenge tomorrow, but tonight—tonight, she wanted to love him.

“Tell me about your For You Page,” she repeated, lifting her head to meet his eyes. “What did you get? No, let me guess. Car edits. ESports gameplay. Streamer clips.”

His hand tightened in hers, and for the first time his voice took on a quiet, hesitant tone. “Well, I saw a lot of mukbangs…”

She listened to him all night without nodding off, without falling asleep. She sat with him until the clouds brushed the morning sky pink and purple. New York was just in the distance, but she’d never make it there.

She’d make sure of it.